good things

really do happen when you take risks and stand open in the space you created for change.

market color

growing wild

i suppose the karma garden should be renamed the metaphor garden this week: 

it's quite full and wild and there are many bits unknown.

there are tiny beginnings that i never noticed before.

there are busy happy companions.

there are scraps of brilliant color inching toward freedom.

i find myself thinking, where did this come from?  it wasn't here yesterday.  what do i do with it? 

underneath all the wildness, it is grounded.

and it has everything it needs.

dear universe

keep my aim true.

a beautiful new day

each new day, new week, new year, new exhale we are given a remarkable gift.  today i will honor that gift with presence, authenticity and love.  i want to experience it fully.  so i never feel like i need to go back and experience it again, to do it over correctly.  i want to get it right real the first time.

dad =

tidepools, ticklefests, terriers, saxaphones, avocados, cameras, the ocean, quiet, pukashells, coolness, lawnmowing, protection, knowing, campfires, hiking, the amazingness of nature, patience, scuba diving, using your wits, libraries, henry mancini, fried abalone, living room twist contests, science, the milkyway, whalewatching, black walnut ice cream cones...

grace in the 11th hour

i'm having serious compulsions to speak the truth and say it hot in my final days working for the government.  a huge part of my original plan was to be able to leave this work that i have loved while i still held positive feelings for it.  but what is unraveling before me is just more of the same untruthfulness, gameplaying and backhandedness and it is intensified beyond belief.  i planned to exit with grace and good feelings, passing the torch to the next brave soul, blah blah blah.  for one second, i thought just maybe i will make it through without going down in a ball of flames in a jerry maguire moment of rage-slash-inspiration.

what i am learning is that i have had a death grip on my little piece of this system for the past twenty years, overcontrolling because one: i don't want blood on my hands i don't want a child to be hurt or killed on my watch and two: someone has to have some control in this crazy place.  as i slowly pry apart my fingers, the speed at which it is all reverting to mediocrity and complacency is blinding.  i do not play the lame duck role very well.  and i am saddened to my core that the natural momentum of this system moves right back to a pretend version of the work.   i'm sure it's like this in other fields but i just thought that a little issue like children's lives would keep some energy moving forward.

i have two more weeks to go.    i need to focus in on the smaller picture:  those few i have worked with closely who share the same love and dedication for the work of child protection.  they are and always have been my saving grace in this job.   they deserve grace from me.  and i deserve a graceful exit.

i did it

i stepped off the edge of that ratty old bloom and unfurled my wings. 

i am leaving my job. 

i'm a mix of emotions right now, so i'll write more later.

i just wanted to say that my blog readers...you...have been such a support and inspiration to me as i've tried to make this decision over the past three or so years.  thank you.  you have no idea how much it means.

yogaville, part deux

we were just there last week.  but i needed to go back.  so he drove me. 

i needed some spiritual space to ponder a huge decision that has to be made this week.

i needed to be bathed in sunshine.

and nourished from the inside out. 

i needed to see people who live peacefully without the attachments (or addictions) of career and stress and the burden of always keeping up.

i needed to be seen.

i needed choices.

i needed to think about growing something other than a program that exceeds performance expectations and comes in under budget year after year.

i needed protection.

i needed to breathe in possibility. 

and exhale fear.

thank you yogaville, for once again meeting my needs.

(see the lotus shrine on the left?)

sunday grace

sunday morning graced me with the certainty that i have everything i need to make a new beginning:  courage and a direction toward peace and spiritual adventure. 

i love days when the future feels wide open and vibrant.

happy sunday loves.

the beginning

i am resisting the end.  even though i know the end has to happen for a bright new beginning.  i close my eyes and make a child's wish to be carried through to the other side.  the curse of not being fragile, of being strong and competent, is that no one thinks you need strong arms to hold you safe and let you rest.

randomness

feeling pretty random this week.  i'm vacillating between bold and cautious, colorful and sedate.  the weather is beautiful.  still a little high from our visit to yogaville.  i love it when love fills you up and refuses to leave.

a funny thing happened on the way to the ashram

sunday morning we were bored and restless and in need of equilibrium.  my weekend had not yet offered up that stillpoint that is necessary for me to get up and start it all over again each monday morning. 

we talked about heading to charlottesville after yoga.  then i remembered i had been meaning to make another trip to yogaville, an ashram and community in buckingham county.

one of the things i love about virginia is that you can find hidden delights like yogaville smack dab in the middle of country.  forty-five minutes out of town, we turn off the main highway onto a one-lane road after crossing the james river.  we drive through dense primordial forests dotted with apocalyptic clear-cut fields.  we drive past ramshackle one-room churches with biblical wisdom spelled out in plastic by the road.  we drive past countless little farms and hand-painted signs for eggs.  we see children lined up at the ladder of an above-ground pool whose side is on the verge of collapse. strangers wave at us from rockers on their porches.

in our hurry to stop to photograph some donkeys in a field we get the front end of our car stuck in a ditch.  a country baptist minister fresh off the pulpit stops to assist and we all alternate between the driver's seat and pushing.  after some time without success, we decide to call in a tow.  then the minister must silently ask for divine assistance because the ditch just decides to release our car unscathed. 

this was a lot of words to tell you what i love about this part of virginia.  in five minutes you can go from being able to buy homemade pie on the side of the road and standing knee deep in grass (with snakes) here:

to stepping onto sacred ground that is not unlike a mini magical trip to india here:

the amazing site for yogaville was chosen by its founder sri swami satchidananda in the late 70s.  it is an ashram and a community of spiritual, vegetarian, peaceful yogis.  it really is a little slice of heaven.

after lunch in the communal dining room, we set off on foot through the woods to visit the lotus.  the silence here fills me up and begins to crowd out the chaos.

i forgot my keens by the front door of my house, so i was walking the trail in flipflops. 

my (mostly silent) whining was cut short when we caught of glimpse of the lotus through the forest.

the lotus is a shrine to all the religions of the world.  it holds alters and religious texts and icons from christianity, islam, taoism, judaism, buddhism, native american and many other faiths.  you walk in under a gate that reads, "one truth, many paths".

while its mission is to love and unite all religions and beliefs, the overall feel of the place is unmistakably indian.  i cannot tell you how much i love this.  on the silent walk in, an older indian woman clad in a sari the color of ripe raspberries looked deep into my eyes and greeted me with her hands in prayer and a soft "namaste".  in that moment, grace was mine.  my fears and worries were honored and released.  in their place, a deep sense of hope and confidence.  from the metaphorical ditch of apathy, i am released unscathed.

thank you yogaville.  thank you donkeys.  thank you lotus.  thank you virginia.  thank you beautiful woman in the raspberry sari.